Getting to know ex-toxic Marie Claire

On February 14, Kanye West handed his ex-wife Kim Kardashian an SUV filled with flowers for Valentine’s Day. However, the Americans are officially divorced and the mother of three has rebuilt her life. Annoying, isn’t it?

erected in the form of Romantic Restoration Gesture – No thank you for reality TV – The demeanor of the clingy ex-lover, when you look closely, is definitely more annoying than attractive. Actions that testify to a certain obsession and a desire to control who is leaving, are far from being proofs of love.

“It’s been a year since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, even though I blocked him on all networks and on the phone, he keeps sending me emails almost every day. Some are love letters, some are pouring out of hate”*, 25 years old .

If living with gum stuck under your shoes can prevent us from moving forward, in some cases, it can be dangerous.

Deciphering a phenomenon is not rare, which must be renamed as it is: unhealthy, not romantic.

An unhealthy love story, the beginnings of a toxic end to a relationship

When talking about her past relationship, Marina begins by explaining that the beginnings were beautiful and full of interest. “But from the first month, I understood that he cheated on me,” admits the young woman.

She forgives, but betrayals multiply, so Marina tries to leave her companion “five or six times”. But he plays on feelings and tells her that without them he could do something stupid. “Little by little it got into my head, everything was always my fault, if he was angry, if he cheated on me, even if he broke something,” she remembers.

You have to ask yourself the right questions, if a relationship activates your nervous system and puts you in a state of stress, it is not healthy.

While the girl was under the influence, today she talks about an “unhealthy relationship,” the end of which was like the couple’s last months: toxic. A discovery that doesn’t surprise Veronique Kohn, a psychologist who specializes in romantic relationships.

“If the character is already a controlling type, you don’t like to see the force escaping from them, raising red flags,” the expert warns.

because’Before we were a toxic ex, we’re already toxic buddy.. “You have to ask yourself the right questions, if a relationship activates your nervous system and puts you in more stress than contentment and stability, that is unhealthy,” the expert specifies.

Continuous stimulus to bend the other

And therefore , The same manipulation techniques can be practiced once the couple separates. Accustomed to a certain ascent, the outcast will not agree to let the other go and will use various tricks to force him to surrender. Often it has nothing to do with love.

“In general, even if we think that we are still in love, we above all know that the other feeds our needs,” says Véronique Kohn.

He was constantly calling me, and I have screenshots showing that he was calling me every minute.

“My ex-husband dealt with the breakup very badly, and he initially told me he was going to kill himself, so I came back,” Marina said. However, with the encouragement of her friends, she decided to really draw a line under the relationship after a few days. And from there the harassment begins: “He was constantly calling me, I have screenshots that show he’s been calling me every minute. When I blocked his number, he harassed me on all my social networks,” she recalls, moved, the young woman.

For Véronique Kohn, overstimulation is a common phenomenon: “There is a deficiency which we shall endeavor to fill, often with wonderful words, making it clear before adding, if the impulse is the impulse and that `an act of introspection has been done, why not try again, but on the contrary From that, it’s unhealthy.”

From love to violence: the real danger of toxicity

Sometimes fleeting love passes, sometimes threat, and the former toxic will use seduction, emotional blackmail, and then fear. “I had the right to receive physical threats, Marina testified, went to my workplace and followed me on the shelves, talked to me, grabbed me, and my colleagues had to intervene several times.”

The young woman begins to get scared, she comes home by Uber so she won’t meet him on the road and worries, every day, to see her ex-husband go back to her place of work. “One day, he came to throw all the gifts I gave him in the trash in front of my company,” says the young woman.

He was threatening him verbally and physically, and people called the police because he was shouting loudly and being violent.

And then one evening, the police had to step in. After waiting six hours for her to finish her shift and following her on public transport, he tries to trap the young woman in the corridors of the station. “He was threatening verbally and physically, people called the police because he was screaming very loudly and was violent, and I was picked up by RATP agents,” she recalls with horror.

The term “toxic” is certainly becoming more comprehensive, and Veronique Kohn cautions that it should not be used incorrectly and completely. But these behaviors are also those we are used to reading in articles that retrace the chronology of female murders.

Dealing with Your Toxic Sweetheart: Closing the Gaps and Knowing How to Surround Yourself

Caught in the grip of fear and guilt, it’s hard to know what to do and who to turn to for someone who was conquered by his ex. “The hardest thing is this flaw that makes it easier for the ex to reopen the door at first, especially when he’s the one we were going to do everything for,” admits Elise*, estranged since Spring 2020.

Indeed, Veronique Cohn asserts that thanks to attempts at persuasion through various messages and other acts of existence, a person can make us doubt. “This is where all the complexities of the situation lie because For a lot of people, there is a feeling that with the ex it can always work out‘, she adds.

Then the specialist advises to prove that we have turned the page and allow the other person to knock on the door until he exhausts himself. The psychiatrist warns that “the average person should drop the case before the silence of the other, harassment often succeeds because we respond to it.”

Obviously, in extreme cases, it is important to be able to talk about it and not be alone.

however, Sometimes it’s not enough to say “no”. Marina separated for a year and reconstructed her life, but she still received emails from her ex-husband – the last way he found to contact her.

“I act as if I did not see them, some of them are still very violent in their words, he knows where to hit until he touches me, she says. But I hold on, especially thanks to my entourage. I was also offered psychological follow-up, but at the moment I do not feel the desire”, the young woman shares .

“Obviously, in extreme cases, it is It is important to be able to talk about it and not be alone, away from emotional secretionsWe can also help find solutions,” says Veronique Kohn.

When you share parenthood

If severing ties seems the best solution, in some cases, it is impossible to work that way. When one has children with this unhealthy ex, the bond cannot be completely broken and offspring can be used as a new tool of persuasion.

Amy Baker, American psychologist and author of the book warns Parenting with your toxic ex.

“Put thoughts in the child’s head so that the other parent rejects, and act as a lever, either to avenge the separation, or to try to bring the person back,” she explains.

Alienation is not resolved like a normal parent-child conflict, you should not be on the defensive and show the child that you understand him.

If, according to the specialist, it is desirable not to fall into paranoia and question, at first, one’s relationship with the child to explain the rupture or sudden anger, the writer advises, if there is manipulation, to collect evidence that the other is trying to turn the child against you (e-mails, recordings, text messages, etc.).

In this case, Amy Baker recommends daring to seek help. “The alienation is not resolved like a normal parent-child conflict, you should not be on the defensive and show the child that you understand him to soothe the emotional wound, because you can quickly find yourself the villain in the story,” explains the psychologist.

Hysterical vs. Romantic: The Sexism of a Toxic Ex-Human

Thus, these common, but ultimately poorly qualified, behaviors deserve study and support. But it is also worth noting that The gender bias that is entrenched in the representation of toxicity.

It has been said: The returning man is often described as a great romantic who refuses to lose his loved one. However, when a woman finds it difficult to accept a breakup, she is immediately accused of being crazy, the famous “hysterical ex”.

“Is it true that Returning women are often described as highly emotionally dependent, While men are on the limit: “Wow, he still loves her, how lucky,” Veronique Kohn confirms.

For a psychologist, this can be explained by a gendered view of certain behaviors. “We believe that for women, being in a relationship is an achievement. While for men, realizing themselves in the world is more of an attachment point.”

“I always needed validation and attention from men, so when I met my ex, I quickly fell into a whirlwind. But that didn’t mean I was going to tease him once I decided to break up,” Elise adds nonetheless.

Because yes, emotional dependence and manipulation are two things that should not be confused. So, let’s stop finding this cute ex back in charge because he knows there’s no better way to go than him, for you. There is a world between grooming and harassment.

* People like to remain anonymous

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