Posted at 4:00 pm.
Emily has a mistress. Husband in fact. And yes, they have sexual orientation. Because asexuality is a spectrum, ladies and gentlemen. With an endless variety of facts. Here is one.
The thirty-year-old made a date for us in a beautiful park in the middle of the city, on a sunny May morning. Coquette, in her long skirt and lace top, sits before us, laughing nervously.
“Very straightforward. Maybe a little stuck. This is how I get the impression that people see me,” she says right away, with that slight tension in her voice that won’t let her go to the interview.
Throughout her life, she felt different: “alien”, “extraterrestrial”, completely “shattered”, even captivating, after a great hour of confidence (not bad, for someone who never talks about sex), eyes full of water. But not anymore. More since she puts her finger, or word, on her state, or ‘direction’, rather: ‘On the spectrum of asexuality, it sums up. I never realized there was such a subtlety to it. That it is possible to be asexual and to be in a romantic relationship. And be happy with it.’ .without aversion to sex.”
But it is clear that my relationship with sex is not the same as that of others.
Emily, mid thirties
On top of that, there’s a report going back much further: “I’ve always been very obsessive, my family is obsessive, we’re all obsessive and we have no problem with it. My family is really conservative. And I always felt like the sex was bad. I wasn’t necessarily bullied. But it seems I always kept that idea.” What? She repeated: “It wasn’t good.” or just weird. That’s when I got older, that was going to change. […] But that hasn’t changed…”
The word “stranger” often appears during a conversation. We ask him to explain: “Maybe it was more annoying? She asks.
It is an inconvenience that does not apply, moreover, but not at all, to complacency. If you masturbate? “Yes, yes,” she replied with a tone of evidence. still ! […] Since I was really young. It’s kind of a release [relâchement]. […] A bit like when I say to myself: I’m hungry, I’m going to eat something. But without wanting anything in particular. Revealing details, you’ll see.
As a teenager, Emily had her first sexual experience with her first lover. “Obviously the lights are off,” she says. and yet? True, no more, no less. “Nothing great Correcting “physically,” we end up understanding, but not exactly “mentally.” “As if I wasn’t mentally comfortable…”
Throughout his twenties, this contradiction was confirmed. You make lovers, you sleep with them, and the experiences remain “right”. Although he has a lot of taste. Continue with a new metaphor. “As if I’m dating a guy who plays tennis. Well, tennis is fine. I’m an athlete. But it’s not my favorite sport. And it’s not like I wake up in the morning with a great desire to play tennis.”
Through all these relationships (about ten relationships), Emily also had the impression that he was “in competition” with sex. in competition? “I have always had this question: how much do these men love me or because we have a relationship and sleep together?”
I really felt like I was the problem, that I was just weird. Not old enough? Not mature enough?
Emily, mid thirties
She was finally in her late twenties, and through a friend, Emily ended up meeting a different man. “Ultra educated” like her, and above all not adventurous. “He didn’t ask me if I had a boyfriend, which I found intriguing. After two years of seeing each other as friends, plain and simple (“And there was absolutely no hint!”), Emily couldn’t believe it: “It’s the first time I’ve felt that Someone only sees me for me. »
It must be said that the master, for his part, was not only in an affair (“I think he belongs on the spectrum of smells!”), but never slept with a girl either. “He could have been alone. Satisfy him.”
So they tried themselves, they say. and clicked. Very gradually, they started holding hands and then kissing until they made love. “It was more fun than it has been in my other relationships,” Emily said. She also has her own thought on the subject: “Because I felt like this guy didn’t want sex, he wanted me, 100%. It was the first time I didn’t feel like it.”
Soon ten years will pass. And, believe it or not, their intimacy has improved over time. She said, “We can go three or four months without sleeping together, but we won’t get discouraged, because we know how to please each other. […] Which is why I have never felt more fulfilled or felt more respected in a relationship. »
It must be said that she made her way to her side. After getting acquainted with the topic (following the advice of a passing girlfriend, and then from a gay girlfriend who, like her, “does not fit the mold”), Emily understood: she does not know, or at least does not feel and makes it clear that desire is like “others”.
I don’t feel that attractive. I’m not even sure what the desire is.
Emily, mid thirties
Another metaphor here: “A bit like color-blind people, who can’t tell you which colors they can’t see…”
So, as a color-blind, when Emily has sex with her husband, it’s more motivated by a desire for closeness, or intimacy, than by sex. Even if that was the case, she takes her foot. “Really, almost a lot! I smiled. I see stars. But that doesn’t make him want to repeat it often. When you’re hungry, you don’t feel like eating chocolate all the time. You may eat anything as well.
But the important thing is not there. “No matter how a little weird or very weird you are, Emily concludes here, as long as you find someone weird in the same way, you are normal in your relationship! […] I’m weird, but not that weird! »
*First name is fictitious to maintain anonymity