Quill R. Kukla: “I invite you to take an interest in the end of our sexual and romantic relations”


How did you become interested in sexual language?

Cowell R. Coke : Discussions about the language of consent dominate the philosophical reflections. Ethics and language philosophers are obsessed with agreement and denial in the act of speaking: partner abuse, coerced sex, and, of course, rape. As a result, our concept of sexual potency is distorted and limited. So I became interested in talking before, during, and after sex. in one of my works, Here’s What She Said: The Language of Sexual Negotiation (2018), I examine the negotiations within sexual experiences. We use speech to answer many questions: Do we want to have sex? What types of relationships do we want? What activities does it include? What do we like and what do we hate? What are our limits and limitations? When do we want it to stop? Language allows curiosity, aversion, demonstration of interest, disinterest, and stimulation of arousal to be translated throughout sexual intimacy. But language, above consent, is absent in many relationships, with the exception of polygamous and “deviant” societies (“Weakness points”).

“A relationship that ends leads to a negative perception of the previous relationship” Cowell R. Coke

How are these societies an exception?

In such contexts, it is clear that frank and careful negotiations must take place between the partners. It is not only about starting a sexual relationship, but also about what the relationship looks like: how to start a relationship and how to get out of it. These conversations are essential for a safe, enjoyable, and consensual experience and for the exploration of one’s desires. In BDSM Interactions (short for ” bondage [et discipline]domination [et soumission]sado-masochism”), for example, participants generally agree to create the vocabulary “emergency stop” (safe words ») before any activity of a sexual nature, so that we can finish a report immediately, immediately and without arguing, at the utterance of certain words. The language allows control over the flow of the report.

How can we draw inspiration from this connection in the relationships you describe as traditional (vanilla)?

‘Vanilla’, i.e. more traditional, relationships can benefit from this rich discourse of sexual negotiation. Having the ability to communicate during a report isn’t something that’s meant for non-traditional relationships. The “emergency stop” vocabulary will allow a person to explore their own desires, the realization of which can be dangerous or uncomfortable.

How did you come to think about the duration of relationships?

Vocabulary use and practices depend on the relationship, and in particular on its duration. We are less likely to explore the limits of our happiness in a very short relationship or overnight ; On the other hand, the longer relationship opens up this playability, the shorter story doesn’t allow it as much, even if it is valuable and exciting in its own terms.

“This reasoning has its effect: it keeps people in unhealthy or boring relationships, and prevents us from evaluating and pursuing shorter relationships.” Cowell R. Coke

What language tells us about the duration of love relationships? ?

“Where does our story go? is the question often asked within the couple. This expression is revealing, as it indicates a temporality but also a direction. After a while, the love affair must reach a stalemate. To think of this, the idea of” Relational elevator” – a concept coined by the writer in 2012 Amy Jahranunder his pseudonymIggy Sizes – It turned out to be interesting. This idea, deeply rooted in our culture, holds that romantic relationships have a predetermined trend that leads us to increased intimacy: We “get together,” stick to monogamy, move in together, raise money so we can get married, have kids and own a home. When this peak is reached, the relationship must remain constant, and even more so, it must last until death.

What happens if you want to get off the elevator or simply stop running?

It’s very simple: the only way out is to fall ! It is enough that you miss a step, go down the escalator and find yourself facing a failed relationship. Relationships are correctly conceived of as eternal. Their permanence is the ultimate goal. Thus, their end declares failure.

Socially, is separation inevitable failure?

specially. Because we act as if stories never end: we see separation as inherently tragic. We’ve all heard the expression Their marriage was a failure.. But one thing the term “failure” seems to mean is limitations. A relationship is a waste of time if it doesn’t last… until death. Since this end is tragic, we take the opportunity to add a tragic villainous behavior.

So, will the breakup not only be tragic in language, but also in our attitude?

Certainly, this dramatic behavior that stems from the tragedy of separation is reinforced by films, novels, operas… Our language reveals a logic inextricably linked with the social norms and institutions founded around marriage. Thus, the relationship that ends leads to a negative perception of the previous relationship. Therefore, we allow ourselves to treat our partner in an unpleasant manner. It is almost socially required. When we talk about our past experiences, it is common to describe an obnoxious person… It’s part of the ritual. Then more often than not, we try at all costs to make the relationship last, because its durability is a sign of success. Longevity is a measure of success. That is why one desperately tries to “save one’s marriage”: to revive it at any cost so that it retains its value. And this logic works both ways: it keeps people in unhealthy or boring relationships, and it prevents us from evaluating and pursuing shorter relationships. There is no tradition that would respectfully and honor the value of a relationship that ends.

“Like life, a relationship ends naturally rather than a separation that refutes its value.” Cowell R. Coke

In one of your articles, you use a startling analogy: death.

It is useful and fun to take advantage of another area to think about our love stories. My knowledge of bioethics, an area also of great vulnerability and deep intimacy, proves useful in our reflections. Life knows its limits. ends with death. But our inevitable death does not mean that our life is a failure. ! However, prior to the 1960s “horib and palliative care movements”, neither doctors nor health services were concerned with death; They were abandoning the sick. Death was above their skill. nurse her name Cecily Saunders It has revolutionized the health sector by envisioning death as a necessary component of life, an integral part from a medical point of view. The movement gave rise to the concept of a “good death” (‘die in a good way’). An idea that marked an important turning point in our representation of death and in the development of palliative care: For the first time, death moribund care, not the immediate cessation of it. Since death is inevitable, because it is a fact and not a tragedy, accompanying one’s death with dignity is a medical success. Therefore, the study of bioethics provides a powerful model that applies naturally to the processes of separation. a good Separation will reduce the pain, and will neglect the tragic dimension of relational limitation. Like life, a relationship ends naturally rather than a breakup that refutes its value. After all, even a long-term relationship ends in death, so it will never be forever.

Once limited acceptance, what alternative models of romantic relationship do you suggest?

We should think of relationships as naturally having a beginning, a middle, and an end. It is not a matter of imposing a unique narrative. Some are longer than others: some will end in death. And even under these relationships, the separation must be done in an appropriate manner. Each love story should carry a unique but limited time format, which has its own ending.

How do these reflections affect your current work?

I am currently working on a book on the topic of pornography, and in general the topic of the sex industry. I rely on my ideas of temps to think about this quasi-legal contractual model of sex. In pornography, there is explicit agreement before intercourse. I am interested in the potential manifestation of self-determination in these strict contexts. In this industry, short-term sex is practiced, but at the same time, pornography mimics the myths of a soul mate. This cinematic field touches on two opposites: the formal coolness in the short run, and the romantic ideal that is part of the long run. But is there a middle? Is it possible to build a positive and healthy relationship within the framework of these contractual and time constraints?

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