psychology. As a couple, how do we deal with and overcome jealousy?

At the beginning of a romantic relationship, we love each other passionately, and there is nothing between them and him that can disturb this semi-combined union. But over time, this feeling turns and turns into a romantic routine. The distance begins to settle and at this moment, the first questions can arise. but why ?

According to psychoanalyst Nathalie Bourgeois, the source of jealousy is three behavioral patterns:

  1. lack of self-confidence : “We get jealous when we feel in comparison, when we think that the other is better than us and that we are not on the level of the partner who is likely to find the other more attractive.”
    According to her, “It is, for the most part, a childhood narcissistic defect, a lack of consideration for the goodness of a child who was built without confidence or self-respect.”
  2. Jealousy ‘contextual’ “It could also be a ‘bad beginning pact’: the couple formed without a word, without comment, meaning that sexual fidelity is agreed upon, but not said. One goes somewhere else, the other knows it, feels hurt, and while it’s unharmed. Before this experience, he feels jealousy, mistrust and a sense of betrayal.
  3. Desire to control It can also be the desire to control the other, in a toxic, inclusive relationship: ‘I love you’ here means ‘You belong to me, as if you were my object, my object and you could not escape my control.’

Regardless of its origin, jealousy causes pain and difficulty.

a permanent position of doubt

Thus, the attitude of the jealous partner (man or woman) will approach paranoia: he will imagine (i.e. display a conscious or unconscious desire) that the other is betraying him, will need to check everything the other says in detail, will come to inspect their cell phones and personal belongings.

The psychoanalyst continues, “The jealous person will imagine unlikely scenarios and may go so far as to make a stubborn logical story, but it is completely unrealistic.”

In this chart, the feeling of love fades to give way to a relationship of suffering and doubt, in which the other becomes a constant concern. This will make the jealous partner suffer as much as the partner: it is a dead end.

Nathalie Bourgeois asserts that “to make the other childish, to humiliate him by controlling his actions and gestures, by being jealous of his least connections, is harmful.”

Jealousy can lead to adultery

This misunderstanding, accompanied by intense jealousy (also called unhealthy), often has sudden consequences.

It can subconsciously push the partner to look elsewhere in a form of “unconscious appropriation”, according to the terms devoted to the psychoanalyst.

There is also a more complex case where a jealous partner who would like to be seen elsewhere, but unconsciously brings out their unfulfilled desire on the other.

According to Natalie Bourgeois, a jealous person would think like this: “I would like to have sexual relations outside the spouses, I do not allow myself to do this, because the superego prevents it (religious, patriarchal, societal superego) so I offer this desire to the other from In order to get rid of this exhausting impulse.”

This unhealthy projection will upset the other, who will not understand what is happening to him, the jealous person is in denial.

break the silence

As I understood, if your relationship has reached such a degree of emotional tension, you should break the silence: “As soon as you feel that your relationship is becoming jealous, or suspicious or as soon as you feel that the other is becoming jealous, it is always better to talk about it and open up to the other in this The crucial question,” recommends the psychoanalyst.

Because this feeling can be avoided, provided that each person has a sufficiently built psyche in order to create a “pact of trust” from the beginning of the relationship, which will provide trust and dialogue that should be sufficient to balance the spouses, without encroaching on the “secret garden” of one of them or the other.

However, according to the therapist, “from this kind of dangerous bond it is advisable to protect oneself, because each of the spouses should be respected in their choices and their differences and should be considered trustworthy.”

Depending on the degree of jealousy or at the first signs, going for a consultation with a specialist in listening and marriage counseling (psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, couple psychotherapist) is an option, because “the couple has its limits and you are not a partner for the couple,” concludes Natalie Bourgeois.

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