Most people have been through things in the past that can be sensitive topics to discuss with new partners – sharing trauma is a daunting task.
There is a level of intimacy, trust, and love required to be able to share these kinds of things with another person, especially if this trauma has a significant impact on your personality.
A woman shared her shock with her boyfriend and didn’t have the reaction she was hoping for.
Her boyfriend told her that he was no longer attracted to her after he told her about the sexual abuse she suffered as a child.
This is not the kind of reaction you want to hear when you tell your partner about your childhood sexual abuse history.
She explains in her Reddit post for “r/TrueOffMyChest” that she didn’t go into details, only “It happened and it’s something I need to recover from.”
“He sat me down the next day and told me he was disgusted,” she wrote. “He said one in two girls had a history of sexual abuse and he was tired of hearing it, then he told me his dick had stopped and he wasn’t more attracted to me.”
This reaction reads like a million red flags and has reached all users who commented on the post by 1.5K.
Nancy Carbone, YourTango expert, is a licensed psychotherapist and counselor who has worked in cases like this woman before.
“As a therapist, a lot of the women I see who have been abused end up with a partner who is abusive in some way,” she says.
This woman’s friend’s reaction can be categorized as a form of verbal and emotional abuse, especially when combined with other things she “got a problem for.”
“How hoarse I sounded on the phone, how I cooked dinner when I asked how to turn his gas stove on because I had never used a gas stove before,” she said. “When I told him I was weaning off the meds and it was kind of exhausting.
Regarding medication, he started highlighting it, saying things like “Why the hell would you tell me that?” I don’t want to know then, are you hooked? There is always a bloody history with you.
Carbone says this woman likely paid for her trauma and pain because she wanted to keep the love and security she felt or needed from her abuser.
She says, “They can be vulnerable when they learn not to trust themselves, deny their reality and ignore all red flags of violence in subsequent relationships because they have completely isolated themselves from them.”
This guy is a narcissist who can’t get his perfect version of the girlfriend he wants, which leads him to spotlight and abuse her.
“If you don’t fulfill their sexual needs, you’re demolished or rejected and they’ll feel frustrated,” Carboni continues. “If you are seen as ‘broken’ in the eyes of a narcissist, you are no longer someone who can make them perfect, and therefore you may not need them anymore.”
This is exactly what happened. The couple broke up and she said she felt “the most emotional damage I’ve ever felt leaving a relationship” and said “I can’t force myself to tell anyone that. Other”.
Another YourTango expert, Larry Michel, relationship recovery coach and founder of Genetic Energetics, also influenced the man’s reaction.
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“The mistake you shouldn’t make is to take her level of immaturity and disgust with her and make it her own. His behavior lacked the maturity to have such a conversation. It wasn’t about her,” he said.
The worst mistake she can make is to put her own mistakes into her own experience because it wasn’t her fault at all.
Not everyone is mature enough to handle a conversation like this, and not everyone understands enough, it’s such a shame that she had a romantic relationship with that guy and it ended up that way.
Isaac Serna Diez is a writer specializing in entertainment, current affairs, social justice, and politics. Follow him on Twitter here.
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